They wanted me to abort you, recounts my mother. You first child should be a boy, nani always said, the next can be whatever. But first can’t be whatever. First should be favorable. First is first. But when you were born, I looked at you, you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I knew that everything they said was a lie. You weren’t whatever. And I was right.
I hate this story, I told my mom. I love nani. I can’t believe that they didn’t want me. But this time when I went over to my grandparents, this was about to change. As this time, nani wanted to talk about my (future) offspring.
She said, “Relieve your poor mom from her curse and have only boys.”
“Are you saying that I am a curse, Nani?” I retaliated.
“No, but a woman cannot complete a woman. She needed a boy; a boy who can truly love her.”, She said calmly.
Sounds Freudian, doesn’t it? I knew that could not win an emotional battle against her. And the truth is, I didn’t want to. I loved her, a lot, and did not what that to change. And regardless of her outdated social beliefs, I knew my foolish old granny loved me too.
As I write this, I wish to reach out to countless other people who have gone through the same ordeal. If you too have mixed feelings about arguing with your old sexist grandparents, I know how you feel. It hurts to think how they can love us and still say such awful things. But anger isn’t going to solve it. Because let’s face it, you cannot change how they think. Neither can you let affect your life. But you can manage your own emotions. So by the power vested in me by self-taught-psychology, let’s hear some of the ways to help you deal with these ignorant old dummies we are related to.
Don’t take it personally
Assuming that your parents are supportive, and do not get influenced easily; know that your grandparent’s opinion does not matter. It will be difficult to dodge hard words that leave their mouth but know that they don’t know any better (more about this later). The moment we take their comments personally, they get an advantage over us. We cannot let that happen. And so, every time they say something about what women should and should not do, know that they think like that about ALL women. Had there been someone else in your place, they would have behaved the SAME way. This awareness will help you manage your emotions (of conflict) better.
Understand their context
This brings me to the second, and the most important point. It’s easier to teach than to learn. And your grandparents skipped equality 101. And as they say, we are a sum of our experiences. Your grandparent’s ignorance stems from their limited worldview. Can you do anything to change that? Maybe, but it’s very difficult to change oldies. Should you try? Maybe, but it might take a lot of time and effort. And know that it not JUST about their social context, but also the kind of emotional experiences they have had. For example, my nani’s mother passed away during childbirth; that child she was giving birth to was my nani. She grew up thinking that she was cursed. And she never had a doting mother. In her house, only boys were sent to school. And so she thinks boys are better.
Love and compassion (and humor)
Only a few things that Rahul Gandhi says are not complete nonsense. He recently said that only love and compassion can build a nation. Same can be said about families. You will only be able to follow the above points if are accepting of other’s realities. It’s easier to be angry than to be compassionate. That’s why we are surrounded by angry people in our daily lives. You will be surprised what good temper can do for your wellbeing. So the next time your dadi or nani talks about getting you married, comment on your clothes or has a problem with your male friends, say something so sweet and funny that it leaves them speechless. That’s your best weapon.
This is a French word that means “to be”. To be yourself is your ultimate weapon. You cannot fight everyone, but you can show people what it means to show kindness even in the face of bleakness. Our best hope to usher into the era of equality and peace comes from the new generation and not the old. So let's fight the battles that are worth our time. And the best way to prove your point to oldies is by just doing what you would have done anyway.
